%
quand j'etais pauvre, j'avais des ennuis d'argent,
maintenant que je suis riche, j'ai des soucis de fortune.
%
La vie est un ensemble de compromis...
%
<strafe> "toi, tu chantes du dance, dis moi, qu'est-ce qui t'incites te ridiculiser de la sorte?"
%
There are three ways to get something done:
        (1) Do it yourself.
        (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
        (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
%
Faith, n:
        That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
%
An optimist believes we live in the best world possible;
a pessimist fears this is true.
%
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --
it just seems that way.
%
Van Roy's Law:
        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
                -- Benjamin Franklin
%
I don't mind giving to charity, but some group
collecting for a disease called IRS expects me to fill
out a bunch of forms to calculate what I should donate!
%
"I'm from the Government and I am here to help you."
%
NEVER smack a man who's chewing tobacco!
%
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:         

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save                
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning                      
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 
you use?       
                -- Paul Harvey
%
Review Questions

(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?

(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
%
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.                                      
        [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]    
%
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
%
Brooke's Law:
	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
	expands it beyond recognition.
%
Chamberlain's Laws:
	(1) The big guys always win.
	(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
%
Fog Lamps, n.:
	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
	of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
	driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
%
Gumperson's Law:
	The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
	proportional to its desirability.
%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
	Those who can -- do.
	Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%
Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
	Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
	Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
%
paranoia, n.:
	A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
%
"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
"baring your neck."
%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
	(1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
	(2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
	(3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
	    attracted to dark objects.
%
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
	in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
	damage my videotapes?"
%
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
%
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
%
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
		-- John Barrymore
%
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
Fortune's diet truths:
1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
    appealing as tepid beer.
6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
    it isn't.
8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
    swallowing.
%
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
%
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.

	 (1)	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
	 (2)	It's cheaper than going to France.
	 (3)	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
	 (4)	Life is short.
	 (5)	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
	 (6)	It matches my eyes.
	 (7)	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
	 (8)	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
	 (9)	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
	(10)	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
	(11)	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
	(12)	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
%
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

	(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
	    food?
	(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
	    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
	(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
	    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
	    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
	    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
	    longer.)

That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
%
Vegetables are what food eats.
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
		-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not a fence.
%
Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them
to do it.
%
Renning's Maxim:
        Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.       
%
Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.   
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.  
%
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones slept
better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
%
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
		-- William S. Burroughs
%
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
		-- Henry Ford
%
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
		-- Don Marquis
%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
		-- Marshall Lumsden
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing
as division.
%
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things
against him, but we never hear his side.
                -- Mark Twain
%
FOR SALE:
        Parachute.  Used once.  Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
%
Dog for sale.  Eats anything; is fond of children.
%
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Iraq.
%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
        Machines that piss people off get murdered.
                -- Pat Taber
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
Q:      How do you play religious roulette?
A:      You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
        struck by lightning first.
%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
	If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
	you've made happy.
%
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
		-- Amy Gorin
%
If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
%
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always 
have to win?
%
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
%
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
%
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
%
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you're not invited.
%
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
%
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,           
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.  
%
Pedaeration, n.:                                                                
        The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
        sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"   
%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
%
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
lot at poker.
		-- Karyl Roosevelt
%
"Mind if I smoke?"
	"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
%
Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!
%
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
		-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
%
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
	It was so granted.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
   God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
   When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to
know the answers.
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
%
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help
the rabbit.
		-- R.E. Shay
%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age,
and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
%
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
%
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%
Pelorat sighed.
        "I will never understand people."
        "There's nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look         
at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have        
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --       
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people        
weren't easy to understand?  You show me someone who can't understand            
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself       
-- no offense intended."                                                         
                -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
%
Abstainer, n.:                                                                   
        A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a         
        pleasure.                                                                
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
%
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
%
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
%
Cheit's Lament:
        If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
        the next time he's in need.
%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
		-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. 
%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.                  
                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 
%
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to           
why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.            
                -- DeGourmont
%
Fuch's Warning:                                                                 
        If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well          
        enough to travel. 
%
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
%
If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
%
When God created man, She was only testing.
%
Being ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.
%
Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people without brains
		do an awful lot of talking.
		-- The Wizard of Oz
%
The American Lottery - All you need is a dollar and a dream. We will
take the dollar, but you can keep the dream.
%
Q:      How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
A:      With three more bullets.
%
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
                -- Blake Clark
%
We were just wondering why the university needs 14 digits for the code on
the evaluation forms. It's like the "credit card syndrome." If you look at the 
number on a credit card, you'll see that there are more numbers than there are 
people on the planet. We were wondering if there are enough numbers to give 
every person one and all the sheep as well.
%
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
%
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
%
Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
Eat their insides out,
And throw way the skins.
Big, fat, juicy ones,
Little, skinny, cute ones,
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
%
Q:      What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A:      Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
                -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
%
The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the rhythm method of birth
control is that it doesn't work.
%
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
%
Q:      What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A:      The taste.
%
July 4

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days
of the year put together.  This proves, by the number left in stock, that one
Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
                -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Never eat more than you can lift.
		-- Miss Piggy
%
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
                -- Erma Bombeck
%
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
%
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.
%
A woman who will tell her age will tell anything.
	-Oscar Wilde (Not exact)
%
"Our religion does not, by and large, form our beliefs. Our beliefs
form our religion. Few can long endure any faith which runs counter
to their internal truths." 
	- TBHiX
%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
                -- Oscar Wilde
%
- "so you're saying that 95% of the population is undatable?"
- "undatable!"
- "then how do all these people get together?"
- "alcohol."
[quotes de Seinfeld]
%
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
                -- Lisa Kirk
%
When I was younger, I was tired all of the time.
I thought I had mono, so I went to the doctor.
I found out, I was just lazy.
%
No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
with her.  The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
But he is dead.  So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
in the afternoons.
                -- Salvador Dali
%
Epperson's law:
        When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
        something his wife can beat him at.
%
        God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
        "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
        "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
        "Well, how about Mercury?"
        "No, it's too hot there."
        "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
        "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
                -- Oscar Wilde
%
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
                -- Jean Giraudoux
%
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of
static electricity to his class at MIT. While
holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool
cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can
see that I get a large charge from rubbing my
rod..." 

That was pretty much the end of learning for
that day. 
%
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health
& Safety Handbook for Employees.":
	"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate
        your eyes."
%
If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, 
do not helpfully suggest pressing "reduce 75%." 
%
I work at a computer retail store. Recently a
customer asked a strange question: "Do you have
mouse pads for women?" 
%
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.                                           
        Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
        not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may
        sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after
        they regain their composure.
%
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
                -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
                -- Chico Marx
%
I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 
%
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 
	-- Sir George Jessel 
%
"Sometimes I think that the surest sign that intellegent life exists 
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." 
	--- Calvin & Hobbes 
%
Dilbert: Why does it seem as though I am the only honest guy on earth? 
Dogbert: Your type tends not to reproduce. 
%
You kill three people, they call you a murderer. You kill a million 
people, they call you a conqueror. Go figure. 
	--- John Lithgow, "Cliffhanger"
%
"Who would want to buy a good car when you can buy an American car?" 
	--- Bob Packwood, Jan 11, 1994 
%
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from 
realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common 
laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. 
	--- Dave Barry 
%
When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies
men, one excuses women. 
	-- Horne Tooke 
%
Its so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's
fingers have been all over it. -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. 
%
"Baywatch" proves that apes share at least 95% of DNA with humans.
%
Some people sneeze when exposed to bright light ("photic sneeze effect").
%
Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike competition
in Monte Carlo. He came in third.
%
Pope John XXIII (1958-63) was once invited to a banquet. His dinner
partner wore an extremely low-cut dress, which the prelate affected
not to notice during the course of the meal. When dessert was served,
however, he selected a rosy apple and offered it to the lady. She
politely refused. "Please do take it, madam," he urged. "It was only
after Eve ate the apple that she became aware of how little she had
on."
%
Q: Why did Michael Jackson call his new album "Bad" ?
A: Because he couldn't spell "pathetic."
%
Migraine Remedy
Says one overworked mother to another - "You know what I do when I get
a migrane?  I get out the old aspirin and follow the directions on the
label "Take two ... and keep away from children"
%
Q: How did Tarzan get his famous yell?
A: "No, Jane, the vine, grab the vine, Jane, the vine...Aaaaaahaahaa."
%
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
%
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how
sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"
%
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 
	-- J.S. Bach 
%
drug, n: 
A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. 
%
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 
%
God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 
but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. 
	-- Nietzsche
%
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about
it?" the aide replies.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
%
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
%
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to 
the left. 
%
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
                -- Marilyn Monroe
%
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
%
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will
take full responsibility for you.
%
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's
beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning
them at birth.
%
"I'm always right; it's just that the Universe sometimes needs a
little time to catch up."
   - TBHiX
%
A buddist t-shirt reads:
"Help needed??  Apply within."
%
A buddist joke:
So, I guess I'll wander off to the local buddhist pizza joint and ask
them to make me one with everything. ;)
%
Q. Who is the most popular guy in a nudist camp? 
A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and eight donuts at 
the same time.
%
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children
produce adults."
	-- Peter De Vries
%
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you
look forward to the trip." - unknown. ;)
%
Basically, my philosophy of television viewing is
that a show is only as stupid as the person watching it.
 - jenna4
%
Q: Why wasn't Jesus Italian?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
%
"I'd be the luckiest man on earth if that did it for me." 
	-- As Good As It Gets
(the best turndown of a gay guy I've ever heard)
%
Death: "Oh, BTW, God can't make poker tonight."
Satan: "Good."
Bob: "Good?"
Satan: "Have you every tried to bluff an omniscient being?"
        -ALoB
%
The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 
%
I've found only two things that last 'til the end
One is your heroes, the other's your friends." 
	-- Randy Travis/Don Schlitz 
%
2 rules to success in life. 
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
%
Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
%
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" 
%
How about the 'Freudian Slip Answer'? 
Like this: here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you? 
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.                            
	-- Lazarus Long
%
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton were walking together in the Midwest when
they were swept up by a tornado. When they landed, they realized they were in Oz. 

Dan Quayle said, "I'm going to ask him for a brain." Newt Gingrich said, "I'm going to ask
him for a heart." Bill Clinton said, "Where's Dorothy?" 
%
Conscience and cowardice are really the same thing.
	- Oscar Wilde
%
Q: Is there anything you gentlemen use to take our minds off your obvious 
physical flaws? 
A: Yes. It is called 'legal tender'. 
%
"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?" 
	-- Jules Feiffer 
%
Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 
Yogi Berra: "Closed."
%
PS: I learnt today that the original St Valentine was stoned to death.
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
Q: What goes peck, peck, peck, BOOM! 
A: A chicken in a minefield. 
%
Fresh cut flowers--take them home and watch them die!
%
I saw a sign on the door at the Post Office. It said, "No Dogs Except
Seeing-Eye Dogs Allowed." I kept wondering if this was posted for the
benefit of the dogs or the blind... 
%
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 50
cents, deer nuts are just under a buck!
%
Q: What's the difference between an accordian and a vacuum cleaner? 
A: You have to plug the vacuum cleaner in first before it sucks. 
%
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? 
A: Homeless 
%
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? 
A: A drummer 
%
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline. 
%
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities. 
%
Q: What has four legs and an arm? 
A: A pitbull in a playground. 
%
Q. What do you call a woman who uses the rhythm method? 
A. Mom.
%
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands 
what will sell. 
	-- Confucius 
%
Q: Why did the US decide to bomb Iraq now? 
A: To get rid of all their non-Y2K compliant weapons...
%
Q: What is the relationship between the dollar, the pound and the rouble? 
A: A pound of roubles costs one dollar.
%
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
        Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
If GOD has wanted that people used windows, He had given them more patience
%
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
%
Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.
%
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
%
When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother,
he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said,
"I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
%
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
   house and car with them.
%
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
%
If it's on fire, it's a hardware problem.
%
"Stand Back - I may be dangerous!"
Heheh.. that's a really nice quote for the back of a t-shirt
%
"Wouldn't it be great if yogurt lasted forever and guns expired in two weeks?"
%
Q.  Which is the greater problem in the world today, ignorance or apathy?
A.  I don't know and I couldn't care less.
%
Q: How do you get a liberal arts graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
%
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run.
The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs.
The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."
%
I've found that's it's not good to talk about your troubles.
Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the
other twenty percent are glad you're having trouble.
        - Tommy LaSorda
%
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have
had years and years of training can, using only their hands
and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the
world."
        - Dave Barry
%
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
%
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
%
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards?
Think about it.....
%
Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad:
"If you see me running, try to keep up."
%
A Definition

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a
lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and
showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins
with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
%
And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger !
%
"What are the three words guaranteed to
humiliate men everywhere? "'Hold my purse.'"
	-- Francois Morency
%
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
%
Q. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken
   firing pin?
A. It won't work and you can't fire it.
%
The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
%
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
%
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
%
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
%
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been
found difficult and left untried.
	-- G. C. Chesterton
%
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
%
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
	--Mark Russell
%
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
%
Ms Piggy's last words, "I'm pink, therefore I'm ham."
%
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
%
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.
%
The best car safety device?  A rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
%
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
%
Money talks.  Mine says "I'm leaving."
%
"At this moment, you are the only man in the Army who knows what
he is doing" - Gents Lavatory, Aldershot Barracks UK
%
Seagull Manager:  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps over everything and then leaves.
%
APHORISMS

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no
influence on society.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
%
To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain - tell a man
it's deductible. 
	-- Earl Wilson
%
I couldn't help but laugh when I saw these words scrawled on the
condom machine in a service station Men's Room, "This gum tastes
like rubber!"
%
If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been
stolen!
%
One of the good things about laryngitis is that the people who have
it can't tell you how miserable they are.
%
Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck
over your fingers.
%
"New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the
time, most of it unsolved."
	-- Johnny Carson
%
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are
different colors ...but they all have to learn to live in the
same box.
%
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable
diseases and their mother's age.
%
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he
can tell when he's really in trouble.
%
One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you
are when you don't come home at night.
	-- Margaret Mead, anthropologist
%
A priest sees people at their best, a lawyer at their worst, but a
doctor sees them as they really are.
	-- Proverb
%
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it."
	-- Franklin P Jones
%
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed
in Hell till I met you."
%
Q: Do you know what's wrong with political jokes?
A: They get elected
%
Guillotine, n.:
	A French chopping center.
%
Q: Did you hear about the Instant lotto game in India?

A: You scratch the card and if the dot on the card matches
the one on your head you win a convenience store in the US.
%
Hey, did you hear about the new Texas version of "Survivor"?

You have to drive from Houston to El Paso with a bumper sticker
that says "I'm a queer... and I'm here to take your guns".

First one to arrive safely is the winner.
%
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
%
"Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms,
 and their Rehabilitation Into Society. Just one drawback with that -
 the abbreviation is Clitoris." (Arnold J. Rimmer, Red Dwarf)
%
sushi, n.: When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice
           and strapped on with electrical tape
%
Romance and work are great diversions to keep you from dealing
with yourself.
	-- Cher
%
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send
them to me.
%
A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to
his friend,"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my
parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
%
A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system
of the head and the heating system of the heart.
%
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.
%