%
The sticker on the side of the box said "Supported Platforms: Windows 95,
Windows NT 4.0, or better", so clearly Linux was a supported platform.
%
Customer:   "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer:   "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
%
Real men don't use backup - but they do cry a lot !
%
The typical error in a program is located half a meter
in front of the screen!
%
;> :(  UNIX docs: meaning needs no words.
:( ;>  WiNDoWs dOcS: words have meaning?
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
// Name that OS
#include <slow_crap.h>
#include <more_crap.h>
slow_t main()
{return blue_screen_of_fun();}
%
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development."
(By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca)
%
The software empire that was built on a C:\ prompt, Microsoft has done
for software what McDonald's did for the hamburger.
%
I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect
that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter.
%
Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software
industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations.
%
Microsoft -- There is nothing small or soft about the
pain I feel each time I use one of their programs.
%
handshaking protocol, n:  
        A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a             
        terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by           
        occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.      
%
Copying machine, n.:
	A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
	and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
	interested in reading them.
%
default, n.:
	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
	mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
	come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
flowchart, n. & v.:
	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic
doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce
flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
Re: Graphics:
	A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
	the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
	described with pictures.
%
The rules:
	 (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
	 (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while
	      sitting at the console keyboard.
	 (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly
	     little card decks together.
	 (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
	     especially if you're already married.
	 (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk
	     pack as a stool to reach another disk pack.
	 (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one
	     eight hour shift.
	 (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
	     files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
	 (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
	 (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
	(10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity          
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 
%
Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
         encryption standard and they came up with ...
Student: EBCDIC!
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
%
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."
	-- Norm Schryer
%
What they say:				What they mean:

A major technological breakthrough...	Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of research	Discovered by pure accident.
Project behind original schedule due	We're working on something else.
	to unforseen difficulties
Designs are within allowable limits	We made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed	So far behind schedule that they'll be
	assured					grateful for anything at all.
Close project coordination		We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
Test results were extremely gratifying	It works, and boy, were we surprised!
The design will be finalized...		We haven't started yet, but we've got
						to say something.
The entire concept has been rejected	The guy who designed it quit.
We're moving forward with a fresh	We hired three new guys, and they're
	approach				kicking it around.
A number of different approaches...	We don't know where we're going, but
						we're moving.
Preliminary operational tests are	Blew up when we turned it on.
	inconclusive
Modifications are underway		We're starting over.
%
What they say:			What they mean:

New				Different colors from previous version.
All New				Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity		The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last			Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested			We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development		Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary			Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance			Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed		We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again.
%
CODING: illegal drug that makes you high
%
beta test, v:
        To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 
        sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
        In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
%
The Consultant's Curse:
        When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
        what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
        medicine, and is normally only required once.
%
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the      
system.  From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine       
some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very     
sharp, probably not someone here on campus.                                     
        -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in          
           Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
%
  The world would be a nicer place if everyone knew karate, rode bicycles and
used Unix.  Unfortunately, some people have promiscous unprotected sex, drive
drunk and use Win95.
%
        The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:        Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:     The Hacker (homo computatis)
Plumage:
        All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
        top of the laundry basket.  Style varies with status.  Hacker managers
        wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
        and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
        or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
        Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
        plastic digital watch with calculator.
%
"There are only two businesses who call their customers 'users'" -E. Tufte
%
prototype, n.:
        First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
        pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
        upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the
        prototype is not expected to work.
%
MS-DOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
                -- Henry Spencer
%
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
                -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%
Software, n.:
        Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
%
Plug And Play: Plug it in and play with it until it works.
%
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
	-- Jeremy S. Anderson
%
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
                -- Elizabeth Zwicky
%
> [snip] Completely Evil(tm). [snip]
At last I have found out what Windows CE *really* stands for!
%
From: "Ken C" <zzn8ptt@n8ptt.com>

Windows 95, the most installed system in the world,
I know, I've done it 5 or 6 times myself.
%
[An interesting little factoid, making the rounds. 15 July 1997]

The choral background music for the recent Microsoft Internet Explorer TV
ads is the Confutatis Maledictis from Mozart's Requiem (Mass for the
dead). The words of the final blast of music that accompanies "Where do
you want to go today?" are "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus
addictis..." which means "the damned and accursed are convicted to flames
of hell." Presumably this answers that question once and for all.
%
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy,
and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70
million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand,
may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that
numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."
        --- New York Times, November 26, 1991
%
Just like the HAL 9000... (Which of course Clarke denies)
I-1 = H
B-1 = A
M-1 = L

Like Windows NT (WNT)
W-1 = V
N-1 = M
T-1 = S
%
Gone are the good old days, when we were discussing whether mounting
a Windows NT machine was S&M or necrophilia.
%
From: dthomas@bbx.basis.com (David B. Thomas)
Their address sums up their attitude: One Microsoft Way.
%
From: ftlofaro@unlv.edu (Frank Lofaro) + others

> > I was wondering if there is a good source of info about Linux
> > and security. Preferrably free but I would like to know how
> > to set up accounts and create groups and make sure that my
> > system isn't holy!
>Use curses, and run lots of daemons.

And make sure to have shadow passwords, skeleton accounts, zombie
processes and ghostscript too.

Also run SATAN, a security testing program (isn't that ironic, makes
sure your system isn't either holey or holy! :)

Allow hosts of which's.

And make sure there are no nice processes.
Oh, and don't forget to replace true with false.
%
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
        -- Wernher von Braun
%
The Computer Contradictionary
Stan Kelly-Bootle MIT Press, 1995 ISBN 0-262-61112-0
See also: The Devil's DP Dictionary, McGraw-Hill 1981, ISBN 0-07-034022-6
computer science: a study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking 
the precision of the former and the success of the latter
implementation: the fruitless struggle by the talented and underpaid to
fulfill promises made by the rich and ignorant
flowchart: to obfuscate a problem with esoteric cartoons
%
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
%
Quality control, n.:
Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
%
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing
to a building as being maintenance
        -- Jim Horning
%
I brake for unix.boys, Windows just breaks.
%
"How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
 None, just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room."
 -- Ross Clement
%
"The woman of my dreams knows how to break into systems."
 -- Doug Tygar
%
"Word unknown: copulation.  Suggest:
        (0) population."
 -- paraphrase from the ispell spell checker
%
"Microsoft just announced that it is suing Tamaguchi, Gigapet, Nano and other
electronic pet manufacturers. Microsoft claims that with their operating system,
they invented and patented the concept of software dying without constant
attention."
%
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to produce fast, efficient,
bug-free software?
A: More.
%
Q. Why the hell would I want to use an operating system with a
command line interface in 1999?!!

A. Because you are a member of Homo sapiens, a species whose methods
for communicating have evolved over thousands of years from using pictures
and glyphs to using written and spoken language.

Or, perhaps you are not.
%
Q: What were the first AI's first words?
A: Cogito ergo coredump
%
Hardware, n.:
        The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
Q: What is the difference between a used-car salesman and a computer
   salesman?
A: The used-car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
%
timesharing, n: An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
%
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 
program doesn't deliver it.
%
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
                -- Oscar Wilde

Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
                -- The Unnamed Usenetter
%
Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
	-- Seymour Cray commenting on virtual memory
%
The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how
to run a computer it really dates you.
%
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe
is winning.
	-- Rick Cook
%
It's pronounced "sexy" not "scuzzy"!
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of sysadmins, for they are quick to anger
and have not need for subtlety.
%