% Rules for Good Grammar #4. (1) Don't use no double negatives. (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. (4) About them sentence fragments. (5) When dangling, watch your participles. (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. (7) Just between you and i, case is important. (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. (10) Try to not ever split infinitives. (11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. (12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. (13) Correct speling is essential. (14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. (15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. % "Plaese porrf raed." % Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" % Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" % Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) -- by Margaret Mitchell A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. Gift of the Magi LITE(tm) -- by O. Henry A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) -- by Ernest Hemingway An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) -- by Anne Frank A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. % Appendix: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. % Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. % index, n.: Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. % Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it. % Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat? Answer: Yes. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" % Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. % A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. -- Dean Acheson % Commitment, n.: [The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. % Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. % Nouvelle cuisine, n.: French for "not enough food". Continental breakfast, n.: English for "not enough food". Tapas, n.: Spanish for "not enough food". Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. % William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. % They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git. -- Alexie Sayle % What they said: What they meant: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) "Her input was always critical." (She never had a good word to say.) "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." (And it's nonexistent.) "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." (We certainly never succeeded.) % Politics, n. from the Latin poly, meaning many, and tic, a small, frequently diseased, annoying, bloodsucking parasite. ;) ;) % hungry arse n. The condition affecting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack in their arse. --"An essential glossary of expletives, proganities and sexual euphemisms. Ideal for use in the home and office.", Viz Profanisaurus % We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: EUPHEMISM REALITY ------------------- ------------------------- Excited about life's journey No concept of reality Spiritually evolved Oversensitive Moody Manic-depressive Soulful Quiet manic-depressive Poet Boring manic-depressive Sultry/Sensual Easy Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills Very human Quasimodo's best friend Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained Flexible Desperate Aging child Self-centered adult Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television % A few months ago I went to a deli during my lunch break. Guess what the special was? A "bowel" of soup -- only $1.00! I asked if it was pea soup, but the conversation with the owner went downhill from there. % The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. % If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP? % And then there's the classic headline from the Green Bay Press-Gazette about Governor Thompson's budget-slashing. The computer smooshed together two words in the following: "Thompson's pen is a sword." Can you guess which crucial space was deleted? % 1 November 1996 -- Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat. % Word/Phrase Anagram Dormitory ------- Dirty Room Slot Machines --- Cash Lost in 'em Mother-in-law --- Woman Hitler :) "President Clinton, of the USA" - "To copulate, he finds interns" Ronald Wilson Reagan - Insane Anglo Warlord % Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge % Top Stupidest methods for choosing new company names: - Using Microsoft Word's Autocorrect feature - Descriptive terms for your privates... (well, that's what Bill Gates Did...) - Cut out all the entries in a dictionary, put them in a hat and draw three at random... Hey, it works for 90's music groups! - You listen to Rap Music and try to make out the words. The end result is your company name! % boss, n: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." % Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. % pessimist: A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door. optimist: A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants. opportunist: A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. % If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? % hell, n.: Truth seen too late. % stress, n.: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. % Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. -- Foolish Dictionary % Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. % Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. % Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. % ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. Ambrose Bierce -- The Devil's Dictionnary % An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage." % Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. % Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" % paycheck: The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. % Spelling is a lossed art. % The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." -- Dorothy Parker % Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. -- The Palindromist % Impress your neighbors!! Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes English phrase --Chinese Interpretation Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. --Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man --Dum Gai Small Horse --Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!! --No Bai Dam Ding!! Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table --Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift --Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here --Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? --Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution. --Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet --Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright --Yu So Dum I got this for free --Ai No Pei I am not guilty --Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer. --Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week --Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile --Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive -- Yu stin ki pu Pew! does this bathroom stink!-- Hu Flung Dung? % Bad Advertising Translations: The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" % CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened! % BUMPER STICKER: Santa's Hang-up is Empty stockings. %