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Q:      What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:      A doberman.
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Katz' Law:
        Men and nations will act rationally when
        all other possibilities have been exhausted.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all other alternatives.
                -- Abba Eban
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Whistler's Law:
        You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
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Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
                -- Michael J. Wagner
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Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
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A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
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A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.
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According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
once a year.
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Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
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Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
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Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
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Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
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Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
apply to female horses.
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Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:

Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A:  I will be three months November 8th.
Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:

Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A:  By death.
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
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Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
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Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
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Humor in the Court:
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.
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Humor in the Court:
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
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Humor in the Court:
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and
   she did!
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Humor in the Court:
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
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I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."

[22.17b]:
       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best
        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
        on the highway."

[41.16]:
       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
        asking for it."

[131.16d]:
       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
        a U-turn on a divided highway."

[96.7b]:
       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
        traveling more than 60 MPH."

[173.15b]:
        "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."

[141.2a]:
       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
        a 5' parking space."

[105.31]:
       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
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In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
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In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
to get her attention.
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In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
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In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
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In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
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In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
either flying or waiting to board a plane.
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In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
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In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
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In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
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In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
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It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
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It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing,
each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other
has gone.
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It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
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It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.

        [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
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Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
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Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
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Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.
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Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols;
they may buy shotguns freely, however.
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The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
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Lawyer's Rule:
        When the law is against you, argue the facts.
        When the facts are against you, argue the law.
        When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
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In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of
assassination.
                -- Irving Layton
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Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to
participate in it.
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Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
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Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
when others believe him.
                -- Charles DeGaulle
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This field report tells you everything you need to know about the quality of 
the legal system:

A while back I got a subpoena for jury duty. I received a form to fill out 
and an envelope to send it back in. The form said I had to send it back in 
the envelope, but the envelope was too small. It also said not to fold the 
form. So I solved the problem by crumpling the form into a little ball and 
smashing it flat with a book.  That was about four years ago and I haven't 
been called to jury duty since.
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When entering Australia, I was asked by a customs official as a part of Port 
of Entry Procedure, "Do you have a criminal record?" 
I responded, "I didn't know you still needed one to get in."
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Speeding Ticket
Mon Mar 28, 1994

A state highway patrolman in Wyoming, whenever he pulled someone over
for speeding, would ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit.
If the excuse was original, he would usually let them off with a
warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following:

Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?"

Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes
and I want to be there when it happens."
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We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents.
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
        -- Dennis Miller
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Example, in Romainia, about 20 years ago, jokes about the ineptness of the 
government were so popular that the Gov. passed a law outlawing political 
jokes. The result was predicable, the law itself became the subject of a
joke: "Did you hear about the government's joke contest?" "Yes/No" "First
prize is 15 years in jail."
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read
the paper?
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The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the
better they'll sleep at night.  -- Otto von Bismarck
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